Super Bowl Calorie Blaster
Tomorrow, your humble servant and his beloved wife will do something they’ve never done before – watch the super bowl, or, as I believe it is termed, the Super Bowl. Not only does this quaint pastime require Capital Letters, even more it merits using Roman numerals – a tribute heretofore reserved for World Wars, Encyclopedias, (thank you, Spellchecker!) and expensive watches. I understand this event will be a football game, which should be nice.
I should tell you that we have not only never been to a football game, in our decades of marriage we have never even owned a TV, and hence of necessity we will be guests of some brave and courteous people who have invited us into their home for the event. Understanding how these things go, we have pretty much promised not to destroy any of their furniture regardless of which team wins, not having any particular interest in that part of the afternoon. Wanting to support a local team, at first I was going to cheer for the Oakland A’s, but then I realized that – yahoo! – there happens to be a Bay Area team named the Warriors! Go Warriors! I understand that the Warriors is (are?) a basketball team, which means that it may take a while for them to win this Super Bowl thing, but such is the world of sports.
Actually, two of my college roommates were football players. They were not particularly impressed when I told them that I worked my way through grade school on a tetherball scholarship. One, Walter, an offensive (and he was) lineman, was big. The other, Dan, was a halfback and sometimes quarterback. They said that if I joined the team I would be a major drawback, but then I realized they didn’t mean it, pretty much, so I stuck with tetherball. It paid off in ways we won’t go into here, because this is already getting kinda long.
Which brings us to our point.
Watching the Super Bowl (XLIX, for those who count) (tell me, can I anticipate hearing the announcers breathlessly, well, announce, things like, “There goes a XVIII pass to number LVX for a IVth down! Good play, his XIXth of the game!”) can be an expensive watch, calorie wise. My more in-tune trainer friends tell me that people typically consume thousands of extra calories while rooting for their favorite team, violating the rule about talking with food in your mouth.
Carbohydrates will abound tomorrow, yeah? I hope so, although I don’t want to suggest menu options to our gracious hosts. One theory says that for every gram of carbo’s you eat your body will want three grams of water, especially if it is a salty carbo like Dorito’s. In addition, my hunch is that some of the faithful will be drinking alcoholic beverages, which will inhibit their normal restraints about food ingestion. This spells: Weight Gain XLIX, so here’s my suggestion for your XLIX weekend.
Go to war first.
Sun Tzu, one of the greatest military strategists in history, tells us, “Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.” Since you’re most likely gonna over consume (I’ll blame it on our hosts), and after the game is no time to try to work off those extra calories, and Monday will be a workday, not to mention that hangover thing, I’m including a workout for you to do before the game to create a calorie deficit. Win first, then go to the game. Sun Tzu, you see, also rooted for the Warriors.
Here’s the plan.
- Do the following workout before the game.
- After the workout don’t eat anything for at least an hour but drink lots of water. (If you do it right you shouldn’t feel like eating, anyway. I’ve designed this to be a monster gut-wrenching workout, burning tons of calories if you do it with passion, and eating should be far from your mind – and that’s a good thing.)
- Before you go to your SB party, eat a nice chunk of protein and drink more water. Protein makes you feel full, takes a long time to digest, and will help replenish your muscles.
- During the XLIX gadget, try to drink a glass of water for every glass of alcohol.
- Be a courteous guest – when your hostess offers you some wickedly good carbo thing plus an equally caloric drink, be thankful, take the thing, and enjoy it! If you say, “Sorry, but you know I don’t eat things that are bad for me!” you may finish listening to the game on your car radio driving home, having been ejected from the party.
OK, here’s the workout.
I’ve picked the most monster calorie burning large muscle whole body exercises, added some planks, and dropped them into the longest High Intensity Interval Training protocol that anyone would ever want to do (20 minutes).
This is a tough one, not many will complete it, I know (in fact, please let me know if you do). But think of it this way. You can’t be there on the field with those guys, you didn’t earn it. For a short time, however, you can train like they do, and in that way enter more deeply into the spirit of the thing.
SUPER BOWL XLIX CALORIE BURNER
Set your timer for two minutes of work and two minutes of rest, or get a large clock with a second hand. Don’t worry, you won’t get the full two minutes of rest. The protocol will be two minutes (CXX seconds) of hard exercise, 30 seconds of plank, and 90 seconds of rest. If you get tired during the two minutes, rest as long as you need to and get back in the game. If you can’t do an exercise, substitute another hard-core one. Stay in it for the full 20 minutes and you’ll enjoy the game more than ever – because you’ve proven that you’re a Warrior, and the Warriors will win!
Do two minutes of your favorite warm-up first. Ready, here you go. Print this out and hit this thing hard:
1A. Jumping Jacks – 2 minutes.
1B. Front Plank – 30 seconds.
1C. Rest – 90 seconds.
2A. Run in Place – 2 minutes.
2B. Left Plank – 30 seconds.
2C. Rest – 90 seconds.
3A. Mountain Climbers – 2 minutes.
3B. Front plank – 30 seconds.
3 C. Rest – 90 seconds.
4A. Sprinter Starts (alternate sides) – 2 minutes.
4B. Right Plank – 30 seconds.
4C. Rest – 90 seconds.
5A. Burpees (worst for last!) – 2 minutes.
5B. Front Plank – 30 seconds.
5C. Aw, come on – hold the plank for 90 more seconds!
Acceptable substitutions include: Jump Squats, Lunges, Total Body Extensions, or, apropos to the game tomorrow, Butt Kickers.
OK, this is admittedly horrid – but do what you can, stay in the fight! Martin Rooney, one of the guys who has trained tons of pro football players (and me) says, “Victory belongs to those who pay its price.” Even if you only do 15 seconds of exercise and rest the remainder of the interval, stay in there for 20 minutes and you’ll feel great about yourself – and feel a fellowship with the guys on the field. You’ve earned it, Warrior.
As we watch the game tomorrow, thank the Creator for the intricate, amazing, entirely glorious gift of our bodies. Honor Him by using yours well.